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GirlsInBed is a relationship and intimacy forum created for women, by women, who love women. We encourage you to submit questions regarding mundane or extraordinary issues that arise within the lesbian dynamic of various forms of relationships. Our in-house licensed therapist will address your questions and concerns on the site for all members and visitors of GirlsInBed to read. Through this advice forum, we hope to facilitate the enhancement of trust surrounding intimacy between women.

Oral Examination

Dear GirlsInBed,

I can’t get off from oral. It’s so frustrating. I’ve tried everything- focusing on her mouth, thinking of sexy images, porn scenes, doing it in the day and night, lights off and on. Nothing works. I feel broken. I hear my friends talk about how great it is all the time and I want to experience it, too. Advice, please?

-Rene F.

Dear Rene,

Okay, first of all, your friends are probably exaggerating about the frequency and ease of their orally-produced orgasms. They likely have frequent experiences of inability to climax via oral. It isn’t easy. It is easy, however, to withhold that pertinent information and simply report on the positive. You are not broken. Most women I know have a very difficult time reaching orgasm during face. There are so many factors that play into the complexity of this kind of stimulation.

Most women are self-conscious about the appearance of their genitals (for lack of a better term). The knowledge that someone’s eyes, mouth, lips are down there is reason enough to clench up and become frigid. Here are some helpful tips that might improve your oral adventures. And if you are still unable to achieve orgasm, that is perfectly normal. Remember, you ARE NOT BROKEN.

Are you able to climax in other ways? If so, how? What sort of environment is helpful to you? By “environment”, I mean lighting, time of day, mood, etc. What other parts of your body need to be stimulated in order to arouse you to the point of climax? Some women need nipple play in order to cum. If that’s the case, have your partner or yourself stimulate your nipples during oral. Buy nipple clamps that send mini-shocks—that might do the trick (for example). If you are UNABLE to achieve orgasm in any way, discuss this with a health care provider. There might be a physiological explanation.

If all necessary erogenous zones are being stimulated, let’s move on to your brain. A great deal of vulnerability is required in order to reach a comfort level to even allow oral sex to occur. Trust is the primary factor with regard to allowing yourself to enjoy oral. If you don’t trust the person you’re sleeping with, why should you trust them with your labia between their teeth? You have to be able to know that if you can’t climax, your partner will not become suspicious or feel inadequate. When I say “suspicious”, I am eluding to suspicion concerning whether or not they are “good enough” or “doing it right”. They may be suspicious that you aren’t being honest with them; letting them know what works and what doesn’t. When to slow down and speed up.  Thus begins the pattern of partner insecurity and your inability to relax. Your partner needs to understand that they can afford to be patient with you so that you can begin being patient with yourself.

Try having a conversation with her about expectations. Make sure she understands that you might not cum. In fact, make sure she understands that you will not cum. Once you’ve verbally aknowleged the likelihood that climax is unattainable, you’re both free to just enjoy what’s happening in the moment without a goal of orgasm in mind. The goal then becomes giving you pleasure and surely, she gains pleasure from that. I was unable to achieve orgasm through oral sex until the age of 30. It wasn’t until I met a partner who had no expectations of climax in mind, a partner who I trusted with my heart and my body, that I was able to let myself be vulnerable. When that happened, my body relaxed and the goal of climax lifted. I just let her take her time enjoying giving me face and before I knew it, I’d overcome that threshold of inevitable climax. It is possible, I assure you. If I can do it, you can do it. Now granted, she needed to stimulate other parts of my body in order for this to happen. And it did take an awfully long time. But, it happened. And it’s become easier and easier now that I know it’s possible.

Lastly, remember that lesbians love vagina. Your partner wants nothing more than to be between your legs for an extended length of time. So, put the worry that you’re disappointing her out of your head. Tell her you need to take your time and that you need to know she has no expectations. I promise that after you have this dialogue, your oral experience will change magnificently.

If you don’t trust your partner….reevaluate the relationship. There might be something about her that kicks up insecurities within yourself. Our brains and our bodies are interconnected. If your vagina is shutting down while she’s between your legs (in the most vulnerable of sexual positions), ask yourself why. Are you suspicious of her loyalty? Are you suspicious of your own loyalty? Are you pervasively reminded of a traumatic incident you haven’t yet explored or processed? We are not men. We can’t just get off because our genitals are being stimulated. Women are complicated in a fantastic way. All parts of the machine must be in order for us to be sexually satisfied. It’s not a matter of you being broken. It’s a matter of a loose screw, pardon the pun.

 Hope this helps!


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